A reality check.
Updated: Oct 11, 2019
Humility presents itself in unexpected ways.
Opportunity appeared in my life in what felt like a punch to the throat. Have you ever been punched in your throat? It's not sick.
For three years, I've tried to fit into a shape not designed for my round body. I wanted to fit so bad, and a part of me still wants to fit. The universe though has told me time and time again, "a round peg doesn't fit into a square hole". Clearly, I'm a little baby who don't listen.
A career event happened that sent me into a spiral (more on that later) and for the first time in my adult life; I was free falling. For the last month, I've felt true hopelessness and utterly directionless. Winded without a clear vision of what was next or who I was. Things got scary in a humbling, eye-opening way. It was one hell of a reality check and not to be dramatic (even though I am) it changed me.
I got into a state where I was unshakeably committed until it felt like the commitment no longer served me. I become despondent, unmotivated, angry at what felt like time lost and while some of it was external and out of my control, the damage had been done. And I stayed in the commitment. Humans are strange, we'll sit in the bath until it's cold, knowing that we're not getting any cleaner.
When you are in the eye of your own storm, you don't realize the intensity of the storm. The events that transpired didn't happen to me, I manifested them. Nothing happens to you, it happens with you. I was self-sabotaging and it caught up with me and for the first time, if ever, destructive behaviour was a gift.*
I'm not 100% (I'm charged enough to get an Uber home), that's what happens when you burn out. However, I do feel my spirit again, if not wholly, somewhat. That is okay. I have a lot of healing to do. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to find myself again.
I'm looking for a lot of answers right now about who I am and who I can be. I'm creating, speaking to anyone and everyone, doing a lot of introspection. A lot of this work is about regaining my confidence, my creativity, my sanity, and most of all, working on forgiving myself.
*Please don't be self-destructive. Drugs are bad, vaping is wack, stay in school, destroy the patriarchy.